I have been thinking.. deeply.. for a while.. on what i wanna write cause i wanna keep writing cause its good for me. Its good for my soul. Its good for my future self to look back on. The results vary, sometimes i cry, sometimes i laugh and shake my head and contemplating on how naive i sounded. My grammar mistakes, how impulsive all my sentences seem. Like this one. But anyway.
Hello.
I am well.
I have reached a healthy mental state, finally, although not 101%, but tons better than how i was 5, 10 years ago.
I used to look at my old photos and have a mental breakdown cause i felt so far away from that girl, how not knowing my old self anymore gave me a crisis. It was exhausting.
But when i do that now all i could think of is “i am so goddamn pretty. You know, how my bad blonde dye job made my eyes looked extra brown and dreamy, how i understood when some people thought i was and actually said it, and how annoying i probably seemed when i answer them no i actually feel so ugly compared to most girls”. All i see now are good things. How i had all the energy to make artsy photos of myself using my motorola, how i viewed everywhere as art, how i liked walking home during sunset cause i liked how quiet it was and how the sky behind the water tower were hues of pink and orange. How i had so many questions, so many opinions, so many thoughts. And how i’m smart enough to actually wonder about things. My late nights reading books, and being on the internet. How i made lifelong friends. You know, people who actually stuck with me, no questions asked. I had pretty good music taste, i was, and still am, a hopeless romantic -but now smarter about it. And how much i liked dancing to two door cinema club’s songs in my dad’s shirts and my underwear. I was a fucking teenager, messy, loud, opinionated, ready to fight anyone. I wanted to be everything. I had so many dreams. I wanted to know my purpose. I was this ball of energy and i wonder if my parents thought about me the same way. I was impulsive, very emotional, questioning God’s existence. I was, in a way, very outspoken, but shy? and i love her. I love the old kim. And i love the present kim.
Still kind of, waddling away in this crazy existence. This kim, in real time, in this plane of some crazy part of a universe in universes, is actully pretty sensible. Is still funny. Is still able to make friends and make new people around her feel comfortable. This kim is so strong, very much still strong willed, and can, and will be able to explain God is definitely real. This kim that helps people at their most vulnerable as a job, and tries her best at it, especially empathising, cause it affects the soul.. more so than drugs affect the body. And sometimes, that is enough.
This kim doesnt read much anymore but man, she doesnt need books to escape reality anymore cause she’s been to places and have seen the works of god before her very eyes. The swiss alps, the french countryside, black sanded beaches in Tenerife, taking on big waves with european girls.. in freaking europe. Cliff dived in Serra de Tramuntana!! Saw Berlin twice in a year. Eating authentic pizza and bruschetta in Rome, people watching in Cannes, being in Ann Frank’s actual place of hiding!!! Staying a night at a remote town in Austria, watching live porn with my cousins in Amsterdam, eating onion soup at a crowded restaurant in Paris. Seeing, wanting to attempt beautiful amazing art. Art that makes you feel.. things beyond. Art by artists who died in 1890 but still having exhibitions to this very day. Sculptures at the Louvre!! Ohmygod the emotions, the details, the small lip curls, the veins, the crevices. So intricate it made her lightheaded. The excitement and tears on seeing Monet for the first time, thinking how unbelievable all this is. Touching the glass box that protected Van Gogh’s art brushes from amused people like her. And this is just.. my god, among so many other things!
Also been in crowds and waves of people in concerts that only her 20 year old self could have imagined.. and how being in a sea of complete strangers singing and dancing to the same beat, sharing the same unsaid feelings felt therapeutic for her.. and because of this she can’t get enough.
How theres something so spiritual about travelling, watching the sunset, breathing it all in and thanking God. How minute my whole existence is but i’m here, right now, and all the things i say and do and have learned will affect all my decisions and how i am to people i meet and where i’ll end up. How overwhelming all of this still is. How i cant still believe.. to this very day.. that this is now my reality.
I’m still learning to love again and to open up. I want to be with someone who i know just makes everything… feel right. No nerves, no cold sweats, just.. a sigh of relief.. a breeze.. nice and quiet. Warm hands. I think before i reach that phase i need to be comfortable on my own first. And i’m very proud of myself for slowly reaching that. I’m very proud of how far I’ve come and I didn’t break myself enough to not be able to realise and actually be able to see and feel all the good things.
I’m so happy with who i am and where i’m at right now it’s disgusting. I’m finally free.
Love,
Kim
Love you, pok. You’re a beautiful person! Keep writing 💕
